A Nose in Need
by Laira Evans
Summary: Ranma finds death isn't all it's cracked up to be. Still afflicted with his curse he is now trapped in Naruto's body, with Naruto's consciousness nowhere to be found. Ranma/Naruto crossover.
1. Chapter 1

This is a fanfiction. Characters, locales, and plot located herein are quite possibly not my own.

Note: Any deviation from canon in this story is either intended or too insignificant to correct. This is pointed at you, canon-cops.

Death, Ranma found, was quick. Not the dying, the fighting and striving for that final burst of inspiration that would carry him to victory – no, that was both painful and drawn out. But that brief instant of peace, of simply existing in an endless moment where all his worries, all his memories of the final battle with Happosai shoved into the background, well, that passed far too quickly.

"Naruto?"

"Mm?" The scar-faced fellow had been blathering on about shinobi and the will of fire and harsh penalties for several minutes now and Ranma really wished he would just get to the point.

"You only have ten seconds left to correctly perform the clone technique. Are you just giving up?"

Now, to be certain, Ranma still wasn't particularly sure what was going on. Whoever's body he was in had done him the disservice of being even shorter than his girl form, and having only had the body for a scant few minutes he was still having trouble even breathing properly, but he was sure of one thing: Ranma Saotome doesn't quit! Now if only he could figure out how to move his arms...

"I'm sorry, Naruto, but I have to fail you."

"Mm!" Learning how to move his vocal cords would be a good idea too.

"I'm sure he just has a bit of stage fright, Iruka, couldn't we give him one more minute?"

The white haired man put on a charming smile that nonetheless put Ranma on edge. '_Am I (the not me who was) friends with him?' _

"No, if he can't perform it here in a classroom he can't be trusted to use it on the battlefield. You fail, Naruto. Forgive me Naruto, I know it was your last chance to become a shinobi."

"Hn..." '_I guess I really screwed this one up.'_ Objectively he knew that it really wasn't his fault, and that the failure really shouldn't mean anything to him. On the other hand, the pity rolling off Iruka as he walked out of the room positively turned his stomach.

Another few minutes passed before Mizuki packed off his papers and walked over to where Naruto (Ranma) stood frozen on the floor. "You know, normally it's just a task given to the rookie of the year, but I bet if you were able to complete it before Sasuke they'd let you become a genin even with your scores."

"Eh?" '_Sasuke..."_ Ranma vaguely remembered a small monkey-looking ninja but even if he'd somehow popped up in the middle of a ninja-school he doubted that Kuno's retainer fit the age criteria.

"There's a certain scroll in the Hokage's tower that needs to be stolen by midnight..." Mizuki began to rattle off a few clarifications concerning the shape of the scroll and its location but Ranma was intensely distracted by the itch at the tip of his nose. With great effort he edged his hand up, up, up – too far!

"Are you making fun of me!" Mizuki shouted as Ranma's desperate efforts to extricate his finger from his nose managed to move it every direction but down. "Looking down on me, you stinking fox, how dare you! You know why it is that everyone in this village hates you, Naruto?" '_I got it!'_ At long last he had done it... only to fire a bogey towards Mizuki's open mouth. His split-second decision to try and catch it ended tragically with two fingers now up each of Mizuki's nostrils. '_What was that saying? You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends nose.'_ Judging by Mizuki's expression as he back-stepped frantically the saying was a true one. "Just _die_ already, you stupid demon!" Ranma _really_ wasn't liking the look of that oversized shuriken. Fortunately for him, Mizuki was even more wary of Ranma's slack, apparently utterly unfrightened facial expression. The possibility that the Kyuubi had simply been masquerading as a dull-witted male child was rapidly consuming his mind. The fact that Ranma simply couldn't control his facial muscles, however, was apparently quite lost on him. In a sudden buildup of panic Mizuki dove for the closest window, tossing the shuriken behind him. Ranma's subsequent sneeze and miraculously lucky dodge were covered by the explosion of broken glass as Mizuki made good on his escape.

Wind carried a burst of rain through the open window, and as that familiar tingle ran through his skin and a previously baggy orange jumpsuit suddenly became tight and binding Ranma was reminded of just how _happy_ she was to be alive. "Alright, first order of business is Mizuki's lunchbox." Her hands were ahead of her words as she swiftly delved into the box of goodies the fool had left behind in his haste. "Mphen," she said, mouth stuffed with food, "I'll take a nap." Life was better with a plan. Especially when those plans consisted entirely of self-gratification.

End Chapter 1.

Alas, work is rough. It seems you'll have to expect short chapters or none at all. We'll see where this one goes.


	2. Chapter 2

This is a fanfiction. Characters, locales, and plot located herein are quite possibly not my own.

Note: Any deviation from canon in this story is either intended or too insignificant to correct. This is pointed at yuu, canon-cops.

The floor of the classroom was about as comfortable a resting spot as Ranma had expected, even after beating several chairs into sawdust for a paper-covered pillow. But life goes on, and after some thought on the matter she had decided it was better to get used to her new shrimpboy-form as quickly as possible. One cup of hot water from the tap later he was meditating on top of the teacher's desk, attempting to twitch each muscle in turn.

A pair of footsteps distracted him for a moment as children began to file into the classroom. Judging from the curious stares there was a very good chance he wasn't supposed to be here. "Naruto, what are you doing here?" '_What are _you_ doing here, pink-haired she-demon?' _Ranma suspected he was prejudiced due to the odd colors of hair found amongst amazons but this girl was definitely not giving him a good vibe.

"You know this is the team selection for those who _passed_ the genin test, right Naruto?"

A pineapple-head talking down to him? This was unacceptable! The fact that these munchkins could have passed and not him, the Great Ranma Saotome, preposterous! Unfortunately while he was writhing in righteous anger a boy with two red fangs on his cheeks had somehow transformed himself into his mirror image and proceeded to act like a particularly unintelligent monkey. Ranma was surprised at how detailed an illusion it was that the little twerp had managed to produce but hopefully that meant no one would freak out over his curse. "Mmmflgerky!" '_I really need to get the hang of this talking business, I sound like a stupid panda.'_

_ "_What did you just call me?" The illusion poofed into smoke, leaving behind an angry and vaguely burly mini-ninja in its place.

Water from Ranma's previous transformation had collected into a small puddle next to him on the desk. It was troublesome but a true practitioner of Anything Goes martial arts couldn't let such a statement stand unchallenged. Thus it was that with a surreptitious movement Ranma coated his hand with water from the now-cool puddle and swiftly transformed. His comeback, however, was interrupted by a wave of groans from the kid-ninjas in attendance. "Naruto, why do you always have to be so perverted?" '_Yes,'_ Ranma decided, _'definitely a pink-haired she-devil.'_

"Oy-" Ranma's outburst was cut off once more as a presence swept into the room behind her.

"Sensei, tell Naruto to knock it off already, it's _weird_." '_You're on my list, blondie.'_

Ranma turned as Iruka began to speak behind her. She wasn't sure exactly what his expression meant, but it almost seemed as if he were proud of her? "Well, the village is always in need of more kunoichi. The Hokage mentioned you used an unusual technique to uncover Mizuki's treachery last night, was this it?"

'_Hokage? He couldn't know about the nose episode, could he? This is why I hate ninjas.' "_Err, something like that." Iruka proceeded to hand him a... forehead protector? "Umm, thanks?"

"For your service to the village the Hokage has granted you provisional status as a genin." The vaguely creepy teacher gripped him on the shoulder, momentarily pausing solidity of the henge. "Make sure you don't slack off now, Naruto, the hard work is just beginning."

"Right." '_Am I supposed to fist-pump now or is this the wrong occasion?' _Her limp fist hung awkwardly in front of her as she stared into the distance. Her classmates just stared at her.  
"Naruto... SIT DOWN!"

"H-hai, sensei." '_No fist-pump then. Thumbs-up?'_ Ranma resolved to think on the matter in the future. After all, important things were happening, like the listing of her teammates as – ugh, Pinkey. Sasuke Uchiha at least looked like he knew what he was doing, for a ninja anyways. She was optimistic that he might even prove a half-decent sparring partner for her new male body. The energy signs coming off this people were rather whacked, almost like the sound of nails on a chalkboard if she focused too strongly on them, but she could still get vague impressions without too much difficulty. Sasuke, if she wasn't completely off the mark, was a step or three above most of the other genin(?) in the classroom, and she doubted even kid ninjas were anywhere near as weak as the average civilian.

"Team 7, your instructor didn't leave any directions so I guess you should just wait for him here." After speaking his piece Iruka took his leave. Ranma watched solemnly, still sitting with legs crossed on the desk, as the rest of the genin filed out to meet with their team leaders in parts unknown.

Five minutes passed with the newly created Team 7 alone in the classroom. "Soooooo," said Ranma, "anyone else bored?"

End Chapter 2:

Yes. I realize the chapters are short.

Yes. I realize the story summary is full of errors.

Yes. Three points are better than two.

P.S. Probably.

To Readers: Thank you for your support.


	3. Chapter 3

It was probably for the best that Kakashi came when he did, Ranma decided. Sure, it had been fun toying with the snobbish Sakura by pointing out how much more developed her own body was in comparison. Still, transforming back into 'Naruto' with the aid of some spilled coffee and proceeding to try and fix his speech problem by repeatedly trying (and failing) to correctly pronounce Sasuke Uchiha's name had apparently put the normally stoic boy on his last nerve. It wasn't obvious for the most part, but his hand betrayed him, repeatedly twitching towards the shuriken concealed in his belt. It wasn't that Ranma didn't relish a good fight, it was just that given his current... situation... it was likely a good idea to play it safe – at least for a few more hours.

Ranma wasn't really sure what Hatake Kakashi said when the time for introductions came around, occupied as he was trying to lipread through Kakashi's face mask. The view from the rooftop they'd claimed wasn't that bad either. Sakura's own speech had him holding his ears to block out the vile sweetness. But Sasuke's, Sasuke's was perfection. "... I don't want to use the word 'dream' but... I have an ambition. The resurrection of my clan and... To kill a certain man."

'_Wow-wah,'_ thought Ranma. It was positively giving him chills. He was suuuuuch a better rival than Ryoga EVER was. Hopefully it wouldn't take too much sparring to get him up to snuff. "I don't suppose you're trying to kill me?" asked Ranma hopefully. Alas, Sasuke's eyes, while cold, were full of condescension rather than murderous intent. "That's alright, buddy, you keep up your determination and I'm sure you'll get around to me eventually." Ranma tried to give him him a friendly pat on the back when suddenly a painful spasm ran through his arm as ki and not-ki flared up along his arm just barely in the visible spectrum. "Sorry, really sorry!" shouted Ranma as Sasuke was violently propelled off the top of the roof.

It only took a few seconds for Kakashi to collect the unharmed Sasuke and somehow teleport the both of them back onto the school's roof but all three of Ranma's new teammates looked at him a bit warily after that.

() This is almost certainly a line break. (*)

"Naruto! Why are you pretending to be a girl again?" Ranma slowly sat up from her resting spot at the foot of the bridge, taking in the sight of the pink-haired demon child hanging all over the grim-faced chap.

"To bug you?" responded Ranma disinterestedly. It was _a_ reason, to be sure, but not one of the primary ones. Her male body had been acting a little... buggy. Not a good thing during a test that quite possibly involved lots of sharp knives. Then again, fear had never been a huge determinant in Ranma's path choosing. Maybe it had been the hours on end through the night searching for this Naruto person's place of residence and a multitude of foul-mouthed washerwomen throwing buckets at her every time she changed back to male form. At least the orange jumper was fairly concealing, even if it was hideous and uncomfortable when wet.

"Baka..."

That brought back memories. "Oooooye, Sasuke-kun, when are you gonna stop being such a fuddy-duddy and decide I'm the one you should be trying to kill?"

Sasuke paled, too disturbed to even tell off Sakura for clutching his arm. "Never call me that again, Dead-last."

_'Dead-last?' "_Call you what, Sasuke-chan?" The little tyke looked so cute holding his shuriken like that. Still, children had to learn not to mess with their betters. Sakura took a step back, somehow sensing that the world was about to tip on its axle. With careless ease Ranma swept in closer to her mark, looking for all the world like a perfectly innocent noncombatant that even Mousse would think twice about attacking. Then she was inside the strike zone. "Upsy-daisy!" A pair of Moko-takabisha's to the armpits catapulted Sasuke a few dozen feet in the air, directly over the river.

"It can't be..." whispered Sakura. "The dobe defeated the rookie of the year? SASUKE DEMANDS A REMATCH!"

Asterisk Another Asterisk. Probably a third. Exclamation point. *

Kakashi was both perplexed and disturbed to see that in the few hours he'd been late for their bell test his team had reduced itself to a panic-stricken Sakura, a bruised and soaked Sasuke, and Naruto was rather inexplicably a redhead currently trying to sort out her hair with a hand held in the shape of a paw. '_That must be the technique the Hokage mentioned." _Even as deep in Konoha as they were, Kakashi might have suspected a foreign ninja of attacking his team if not for Sasuke's next action.

"Again!" Launching himself at the redhead Sasuke was summarily pushed through the air by several claw-like energy blasts from Naruto, pushing him out over the river once again. Kakashi calmly waited for Sasuke to ascend to the bridge before speaking. His single eye bored into the Uchiha's as he tried to convey the seriousness of the situation. "I trust everything will be under control when I return in thirty minutes, yes?"

Kakashi had to admit, Sasuke did an admirable job of pulling himself into something resembling parade rest. "Hai, sensei."

Kakashi just wished he knew what Sasuke meant when he started muttering about cat-throwing being a terrible mistake.

End Chappy 3.

So... either I continue to deliver a rather warped version of the original cannon plotline (assuming I even continue this particular exercise) or... I commit the sin of multicross? Vamos a ver o algo asi, verdad?


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Five (Four):

"So..." drawled Kakashi, "is this what you call handling things, Sasuke?"

"Hn." Sasuke was firmly of the opinion that Kakashi was underestimating the magnitude of the task that had been assigned to him. Frankly, with Sakura no longer actively crying and Naruto... well, he (Sasuke was keeping his perception of Naruto's gender _strongly_ fixed in his mind) was technically inactive. As far as Sasuke was concerned this meant mission complete.

"Sasuke, are you aware that Naruto-chan is sleeping on your head?" As if to underscore that fact Neko-Ranma-chan gave a soft purr before resettling herself on Sasuke's shoulders. Ranma gave a couple short kicks in her sleep, knee smacking into Sasuke's face as he tried to maintain a nonchalant expression. "I have on my belt two bells, by noon you will need-"

"Naruto is trying to seduce Sasuke-kun!" shouted Sakura before promptly bursting into tears.

Sasuke could already feel the future closing its doors to his passage. As Kakashi's one uncovered eye swiveled to meet his he already knew what his teacher was going to say. "Leave." Sasuke hesitated. He wasn't big on hope but for just a moment he found himself hoping he had misheard. "Training grounds are for Konoha ninja use only, and it's clear to me that you three have yet to learn what it means to serve your village and work as a team. Get out of my sight."

There was no arguing with the pronouncement now, Sasuke knew. Gathering his pride he marched away from the stern-eyed Kakashi, Sakura following behind him like a whipped dog, eyes averted from where Naruto slept on Sasuke's shoulders. Things didn't get better as they entered the village proper. Sasuke's fanclub was rapidly gaining steam behind them, outraged at the interloper taking what they saw as their rightful spot. The other villagers weren't staying silent either. Even with Sasuke's sizeable reputation he knew it would only be a matter of time before things escalated. He wondered though if things would be better or worse if they realized that the rather busty girl on his shoulders was actually Naruto in an entirely too solid henge technique.

"So," said Sasuke, "where do we go from here? Sakura?" Finally lifting her head at the use of her name she stared at him blankly, whites of her eyes showing as her gaze shifted to Naruto's sleeping face. "You were always reading something, you must have some idea what our options are now, right?"

Letting her head fall forwards again Sakura did her best to recall what she had read of the laws the night before during her late-night library run. "Umm, we could return to the academy for six months and then be assigned another jounin-sensei. They might let us have a different teammate besides N-Naruto."

"Next." Six months was too much wasted time, especially if it just meant failing the preliminary test due to Naruto a second time.

Sakura started chewing on a tuft of her hair. "We could see if any chuunin would agree to lead us on missions, or sign up for the Samurai forces."

"Unacceptable." Sasuke knew he would never accomplish his goals with such a lackluster start. A mere chuunin or samurai could never teach him what he needed to know.

"Umm, you could use your rights as clan leader to head your own team... but then we wouldn't have a teacher."

"Perfect." Despite himself Sasuke started smiling. With no chuunin to hold him back he could take the missions he wanted, and once he developed the sharingan he would have all the techniques he wanted.

Sakura was unconvinced. "But without a sensei how will we get better? And what happens if we run into enemy ninja?"

"Are you doubting my strength?" Ranma's fingers idly pawed across Sasuke's face as she shifted in her sleep. The gesture did nothing to ease Sakura's growing doubts.

"N-no."

* * *

"I can't believe you got him to give you a C class mission," mused Sakura, pausing her walk.

"He owed much to Clan Uchiha."

Sakura eyed the back of the retreating merchant, wondering what it would look like with a kunai firmly embedded. "Shame it couldn't be to protect a sober merchant instead though."

Human mind restored, Ranma proved capable of recognizing the word sober even her sleep. "Stupid pops!" An elbow struck out, knocking Sasuke to the ground to land like a sack of rice. Blinking slowly, Ranma's steel-trap mind rapidly interpreted the facts at hand. She was currently female, a boy had his face in her cleavage, and she had just woken up. "Pervert!" She felt quite satisfied after her fist drove his head deep into the ground. She looked up, scanning her surroundings with care. "Oh, hey, Sakura. Where am I?"

Sakura just pointed at the walls in the distance. "We're outside Konoha?" Sakura shifted her pack and nodded at the merchant ahead of them. "On a mission?"

"Hurry up you kids! If this is the state of ninjas today I don't know what I'm paying for!" He finished off the remark with a large sip from his sake flask.

"I see," whispered Ranma, lifting Sasuke from his earthen prison and setting him back on his feet. "I don't suppose you brought a pack and some food for me as well?" Her teammates declined to answer. "A pot to boil hot water?" Their continued silence was not encouraging. "Lovely."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 (5):

"Naruto, get down from there!" yelled the pink haired she-demon. "And drop that stupid henge already!"

"You're not the boss of me!"

"Brats," spat Tazuna. Ranma really wanted to throw something at the drunken bridge builder but apparently disciplining one's client was frowned upon.

"Dobe, stop messing around," chastened Sasuke.

"Is this all ninjas do? Walk around slowly on the ground? Bore me to tears it would." Ranma leapt onto another vine, strengthening it with ki as she swept inches from the ground before sweeping back into the canopy. "At the very least you two could be training as we go."

At this Sakura paused. Regardless of the bravado of her two teammates, she was more than a little unnerved by her present circumstances. A C class mission her first time out, and with no jounin to keep them safe and teach them? It seemed like a situation made for disaster. Besides, she wasn't like Sasuke, she couldn't blow flames out of her mouth. She wasn't even, she admitted to herself painfully, as strong as Naruto apparently was. From some of his questions during the trip so far he apparently still knew _nothing_ about the ninja world or chakra even after years of schooling. Still, she supposed there had to be a reason why he technically failed his academy genin exam three times despite being as crazy strong as he was. An idiot savant, she supposed. "How would we do that?"

Hanging upside down on a violet-tinged vine Ranma dropped in front of party, head six feet from the ground. "How do you normally train?" Ranma casually unwound herself from the vine, feet arching out to either side before settling on the ground. Much to Sakura's confusion she proceeded to pick up two fallen branches and tossed one at Sasuke's head. "Good catch!" The moment she saw him removing his hand from the branch Ranma slipped inside his guard and closed her hand around his. "Save your strength." Moving closer to him she whispered in his ear. "I think that puddle is _alive_. Let's see if it wants to play." Ignoring Sasuke's alarmed and reddened face she crept on all fours towards the puddle, stilling the vibrations she sent through the ground to almost nothing. Sakura, meanwhile, was entirely too weirded out to speak. "Boo." Striking firmly at the puddle she was only mildly surprised when it burst upwards in the form of two dark-clothed ninja. "Kyaa! Puddle-monsters!" Blasting off an extra large Moko Takabisha the pair of them blew straight into a tree and kept on going, flying towards the horizon. A chain connected them at the wrist, keeping them connected and twirling as they struggled to regain equilibrium. Ranma turned back to her companions as the two men faded to pinpricks in the distance.

"Hn..."

Sakura noticed Tazuna taking a long draft of sake and felt tempted to grab it from him and do the same. "N-naruto, h-how did you do that?"

Ranma just scratched her head, thinking. "Special effects?" The reference drew only blank stares. "I didn't sound too girly, did I? I was trying to stay in character. Ninja types are always pretending to be someone or other, right?"

"R-right," responded Sakura.

"Hn..." Sasuke was flip-flopping between rage and envy. To think the dead-last could have such power, it beggared belief. Well, there were more pressing matters at hand. As team leader it was his responsibility to respond to any circumstance appropriately and efficiently. "Tazuna. Those weren't just simple bandits. Not the sort of characters you expect to see on a C class mission." Sasuke didn't say anything else, he knew he didn't need to. Silence could be a powerful motivator.

"It's pure coincidence! If that crazy redhead hadn't provoked them-"

"You're l-lying!" interrupted Sakura.

Ranma settled herself on her head in an upside-down meditative pose as Tazuna proceeded to tell all manner of sob-story to convince them to not abandon the mission. She was surprised to note they sounded more truthful than her father's. Either the man was truly an expert or the majority of it was actually true.

Tazuna didn't know it, but regardless of how troubled Sasuke was over his first mission rapidly escalating to a B or A class mission he had no intentions of dropping the mission now. If he were to fail his first mission, there was no telling when he might gain another chance. The legality of what they were doing was already enough in doubt that success was the only option. "Enough," said Sasuke, leaking out a smidgeon of killing intent. "You've told us why you deceived us, but are you prepared to make it right?" Sasuke could tell by the slight drop of the man's shoulders that even as drunk as he was he understood the basic economic truth of the world: Nothing was free. "I want your word we will receive proper recompense for our service as well as a deed to five acres of land on your island within a year. Is this acceptable to you?" The moment the man hesitated Sasuke took the opportunity to twist the dagger deeper. "It's either that or we leave you to make the journey alone. I'm sure this Gatou won't give you any more trouble, ne?" Sasuke smiled as the bridge-builder's lips twisted in distaste. He had him now. Young he might be, but if he was to accomplish his goals he couldn't afford to let any opportunity for advancement pass him by.

"... You have my word."

'_Perfect,'_ thought Sasuke. This was one negotiation, however, that he had no intention of ever adding to the mission report.

"You are soooo much more awesome than pig-boy," commented Ranma to the consternation of her fellows. "Hey, umm, who's gonna feed me as tribute to my awesomeness in dealing with the puddle-monsters?"

End Chapter Five.

Disappointing number of reviews last chapter. I'll assume I was boycotted for not adding an author's note and you just slipped into depression without it. Japanese for the day: Watashi wa panda desu. Say it to all your friends.


	6. Chapter 6

Note to readers: No, they did not laze around for a month waiting for Tazuna. The Tazuna mission simply happened a month early. Forgive my AU.

Chapter 6?

Ranma's feet thrummed with ki, a delicate hum just beyond hearing but a rhythm all the same. Kept in time to her footsteps it was a sort of silent music she'd been perfecting for months, ever since she'd started to gain better control of her ki. Well, "perfect" might be a bit pretentious, as every time she gained reasonable mastery of the melody she added on yet another layer to the tune. It had a visual aspect to it as well, for those with the ability to see the weaves. Ranma suspected Cologne was the only one to ever properly appreciate the ki-music, but she'd always felt a little self-conscious performing it in the ancient amazon's presence and had never asked her what she thought of it.

This particular composition, however, was being ruined, and it was rapidly harshing her mellow. Tazuna and her teammates were walking ahead of her at a fairly swift pace for short-legged children and drunk old men, but this journey was taking far too long to put up with such an annoyance. "Stop it." Tazuna turned his head around briefly to look at her askance before switching his gaze forwards again. "I said knock it off."

"Who are you talking to, Naruto?" asked Sakura as the three of them slowed to a stop.

"Sasuke's ruining it with his stupid staticy enegy kersplutzitness!" Ranma realized that that might have been slightly vague, but talking was _exhausting._ People were always so angry or needy, and besides, Sakura was supposed to be smart or something. She'd figure it out.

Sakura peered intently at her, but in the end didn't let her down. "Are you saying you can sense his chakra emissions?" Ranma mimed holding up a very large fish. "Well I guess it makes sense that you'd have a lot of chakra, Sasuke, you were the rookie of the year." Tugging on a lock of her pink hair Sakura shyly offered a suggestion to her soul-mate to be. "Could you try damping it down or drawing it in, maybe? It could be dangerous if an enemy sensor-nin knew we were coming." It was tough to tell but for a moment Sasuke's eyes looked darker than normal. Then as he tried to pull in his chakra he just looked more constipated then usual. "Is it less noticeable now, Naruto?" Ranma gave a weak thumbs up. "Yay, go Sasuke!" Regaining her composure as everyone else started walking away Sakura smoothed out her cheongsam and stepped into place beside Naruto. "You know... I never knew you were a chakra-sensor – or so fond of being a girl." Ranma discretely proceeded to trip her teammate into the ground. "Really mature, Naruto!"

The sun was drifting low in the sky by the time they finally reached the coastline. Ranma's ki-music had drifted into a darker tune several kilometers back when she had first caught the scent of salt. Oceans were always conspiring against her, always getting her to swim, and there was no _way_ she was wearing a swimsuit in front of her new arch-rival this early in their relationship. "I really need some hot water, I'm going loopy."

"What did you say, Naruto?" called Sakura to the lagging boy-turned-girl.

"Nothing..." she replied glumly. That's when she sensed it, a subtle hole in the world appeared at the outer bounds of her ki-music, slowly moving closer. It felt a little like Happousai's hiding technique if he was distracted by those of the female persuasion and wasn't wrapping nature-ki around himself properly. "Hey Sasuke, you can do some crazy fireball thingy, right?"

"It's called Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu."

"Whatever," replied Ranma, "aim one that direction."  
"Hn?"

"Naruto there's nothing there." Still, Sakura began to nervously loosen a kunai from a fold in her thing-length dress.

"If they had told me I was hiring a crazy redhead..." commented Tazuna.

After kicking a pebble whizzing past Tazuna's ear, Ranma stepped in closer to Sasuke. It was a little harder to sense it this close to the distortion emanating from Sasuke but she was still able to stretch out her arm to point out their invisible stalker. "It's moving, aim it where I point."

"Wait!" shouted Sakura, "we're still in the forest, what if you start a fire?" Watching her teammates exchange a totally unconcerned glance she realized that as the only genuine girl on Team Sasuke it was up to her to save all the furry woodland creatures. Kunai in hand she faced the general direction of where Naruto was pointing and summoned her best Authority voice. "Whoever you are just come out, we already know you're here." An eery silence struck, only punctuated by by Tazuna rapidly gulping down more sake to soothe his nerves.

A voice started whispering from everywhere and nowhere. "Yooooooooooooooo"

"Fireball Jutsu!" A ball of flame jumped into being from Sasuke's mouth towards the ninja hiding in plain air.

"Pass!" Leaping with a wild pose through the ball of flame was a certain gray-haired jounin-sensei that had just managed the seeming-impossible: Shocking a Nerima veteran. This lead to a very rare thing – Ranma actually listening to someone talking for more than a few words. "Barely pass anyways. You managed to raise a number of eyes in Anbu for this stunt."

"W-we passed?" stuttered Sakura. "How? Why?"

Pulling out a certain orange porn book Kakashi began to gesture vaguely at the trio. "You showed great teamwork, and that's what the genin test is all about. In the world of the ninja those who violate the rules and laws are called trash. However... those who don't take care of their comrades are worse than trash." His one uncovered eye appeared abnormally intent.

"Ya, screw the mission, let's go find something good to eat!" yelled Ranma with joy. Clasping Sasuke's hands she began to swing him in a fast circle, forcing his feet off the ground.

"Let go of Sasuke-kun, Naruto-baka!"

"Naruto I think you're taking what I said a little too far," said Kakashi.

"Can we please just head to the boat," said Tazuna hopelessly. He could already feel his brain melting from what he'd seen since this journey started.

Ranma just kept spinning.

End chapter something.

It's strange... I started writing this story while taking cold medicine, which pretty much explains the title. It was meant to be sort of a joke fic, to see if people actually read stories with misspellings in the teaser summary. Oddly enough, every time I consider dropping it I remember that for some odd reason it's one of my more popular stories. Yay reviews. Longest chapter yet for all your good work? Kuroko no Basuke = awesome?


	7. Chapter 7

Ranma was in a rather poor mood. This Kakashi character hadn't stopped watching her since he had arrived. Even when he was reading that apparently perverse book of his she could still feel his eye following her. She'd been forced to wash in the lake with her clothes all still on, leaving her hideous orange jumpsuit wet and sticky. With only a white t-shirt underneath and a hentai-character around Ranma was forced to continue wearing the undersized soggy orange mess. It was also slightly charred from when she had convinced Sasuke to use fireball on her, briefly returning her to male form before the still sodden clothing had cooled. Kakashi had forbidden a second attempt on account of potential chakra exhaustion and without informing of him of the specifics of the curse Ranma was left with few arguments at her disposal.

She wouldn't have even bothered with the bath if Sakura and Sasuke hadn't kept looking at her like some sort of animal every time they saw the fish juice coating the front of the jumpsuit. Honestly, what was so wrong with diving into the ocean on the boat ride over and plucking a fish out of the open sea before eating it raw? It's not like they had offered her anything better to eat, and who knew how much longer this ever so boring mission would last. Honestly, Ryoga had never been this prissy. Then again, if some of his stories were to be believed he had been raised by pokemon for a month when he had gotten lost as a child. Normal had never been his forte.

Still, they had finally arrived at Tazuna's house and his daughter Tsunami had quickly ushered her into the furoba. Shucking Naruto's hellspawned clothing, Ranma stepped towards the furo, taking in a deep breath of warm, steam-filled air. Ranma found herself wishing for the silken Chinese shirts and pants she'd worn in Nerima. Putting that rough, scratchy wool back on her skin after the bath would be torture. "I must be going soft. If I ever get back to Nerima I'll definitely have to go on more training trips." That was, of course, if there was even any Nerima to back to. She'd taken off one of Happosai's arms after he'd finally completely broken with reality, so in his weakened state Ryoga was probably capable of defeating him but it was even odds as to whether Ryoga had found him in time. '_There's nothing I can do about it now," _she thought to herself. Grasping the sides of the furo as she prepared to slip into its steaming waters she thought of something else. "I wonder if they even have silk here..."

"Here you are." Ranma nearly jumped through the roof as Tsunami's voice called out behind her. A bit of careful footwork was all that kept her from turning into a boy in front of the young widow. "I brought you a towel and some dry clothes for you to wear." Ranma winced at the sight of the sky-blue sundress fluttering in Tsunami's arms.

"Ah, Tsunami, the thing is... I'm a boy." In hindsight Ranma realized that the current situation was not entirely conducive to proving her birth gender. Thus it was not particularly surprising that Tsunami proceeded to blink and pull a Kasumi.

"Oh, I already knew you were a tomboy from that jumpsuit, but this was all I could find that could fit you. I'm sorry but in this weather your clothes may take some time to dry." With that she turned and left, taking Naruto's jumpsuit, T-shirt and shorts with her.

"I hate this planet," said Ranma, sighing. "I'll learn that fireball technique if it kills me... again." Plans of future male-ification confirmed, Ranma settled himself into the furo, glad that at least Sakura was unlikely to walk in on him. His mind drifted, almost in a trance as he enjoyed a bath that for once would not be interrupted by fiancees or jealous rivals. There was one small point of frustration however. This body he now wore was not his, and it felt like it. Everything was always a little farther away than it should have been, joints wouldn't stretch as far, and if at 4'11" his girl form was quite short, whoever this twelve year had been he certainly hadn't been tall for his age. Even worse though was that little ball of rage Ranma felt inside him, struggling to get out. His ki fought against it instinctively, holding it in. As a result most of his ki was unusable, and the rest rendered unruly, slightly out of tune. Was it Naruto, he had wondered, was he holding the true owner of this body prisoner? He thought not. Nothing that full of rage, that powerful and utterly **primal** could possibly be human.

Restraining another sigh (because only girls sighed) Ranma levered himself out of the water's embrace. Stepping close to the outer wall a cold drift quickly chilled the water on his skin, changing him back into a girl. It was almost like slipping back under a familiar blanket on a cold night, comfortable and empty of surprises. The realization was somewhat frightening. "I wish I could go home," she whispered. Drying off as quickly as she could she left her hair unbound to dry more quickly. The oval-shaped neck of the dress slipped easily over her head, hem settling just below her knees. Pinching the fabric Ranma gave a sad smile. "Silk." A few trickles of water made tehir way down her neck, quickly dampening the thing material. Ranma gave her head an irritated shake, flinging droplets to all sides before schooling her face into neutrality. "At least Sasuke probably won't mistake me for his sister or girlfriend or something like Ryoga would." Steeling herself against potential ridicule or accusations of being a cross-dressing pervert Ranma stepped out of the furoba.

End chapter this.

Feels a little like the chapter ended before it started but I did manage to meet my (incredibly modest) goal of 1000 words. Well, yay character building.


	8. Chapter 8

Not 100% sure where the dock was but if I'm wrong about location... well call it an AU detail. If I was a big-wig merchant I'd definitely go for oceanfront.

Start ~

* * *

Sandals still by the door, Ranma walked barefoot through the darkening and empty house. A sign of life wasn't found until she reached the kitchen. "Hey, Tsunami, where is everyone?"

"Oh, Naruto, I didn't think you were still here, I think all your friends went to the woods to train. Father and Inari are still upstairs."

"Oh." Ranma hadn't thought she was putting out any sick puppy vibes but Tsunami promptly put aside her wooden stirring spoon and hugged her before she had a chance to resist. Ranma stiffened, wondering how long it had been since she'd been hugged by someone not attacking her in one way or another. "Umm, I think you've got the wrong idea. They aren't really my friends, I barely even know them." Tsunami just hugged her tighter. Ranma was about to push her away but Tsunami broke into shuddering sobs and began to think this wasn't about her after all. "Hey... is it alright if I help you with dinner?"

* * *

The dinner was depressingly simple fare. With no meat to be found and what few vegetables there were to be had both shriveled and undersized the meal was almost entirely noodles of dubious quality. Ranma had eaten worse, of course, far worse for that matter whenever Akane took to the kitchen, but the ever so slight pain emanating from Tsunami was eating away at her. It wasn't as if there hadn't been times where money had been tight at the Tendo Dojo or on the road, but if Tsunami's too-thin hands were any indication then the situation on this island was very bad and had been for some time.

Setting the sauce to simmer, Ranma guided Tsunami from the house. "Don't worry, I just want to show you something." The dock creaked ever so slightly under their footprints, the soft brown of the wood near-black under the crescent moon's light. Releasing the older woman's hands she stepped back a few paces until she reached the end of the dock. For a moment there was no sound save the steady lapping of water against the posts, but then it started – a quiet whisper of the wind, like the purr of a kitten. A wave of light sprang into being, deep green and violet dancing through the air like the northern lights. Another wave of light started spinning around Ranma, brilliant blue and red, leaving yellow spheres blinking like fireflies in its wake.

Unaccustomed to using such power as to make the lights visible to normal people during such a delicate manipulation of ki, a small portion of ki leaked away from the technique. Suffusing the surrounding area with its power, gravity lost its grasp on several pebbles on the dock, lifting to hover in the air before being blown into the sea. Still Ranma kept going, adding layer on layer of twisting patterns until it felt like all the world was humming in tune around her. Eyes closing, her head tilted back, red hair tossing in the wind. Eyes open or closed she could still perceive it all, and in a step of daring she proceeded to add one more layer to the pattern, to the music, than ever before. It felt like she was floating in clouds of warm cotton, body limp and relaxed like a cat in a sunny meadow.

"Naruto?"

She knew that voice. The pinkette, "Sakura?" Ki-music disintegrating, Gravity resumed reign with an unpleasant lurch. Opening her mouth just in time to take in a mouthful of ocean water, Ranma snapped open her eyes to take in the weighty darkness beneath the waves. "Sphhh," spluttered Ranma as she grasped hold of the docks and hauled herself up. Vainly pulling the sundress away from her skin only for the fabric to stick once more. Facing the grim shadows of her teammates and self-declared sensei, Ranma felt a rising uneasiness inside her. "Hi guys."

"That was beautiful, Naruto-chan." said Tsunami.

"Umm, thank you Tsunami-san." Ranma rubbed the back of head shyly. "Didn't expect the whole crowd to show up though."

"A display like that can be seen for miles," said Sasuke. "It's irresponsible to reveal our location so blatantly during a mission."

"Sorry Team-Leader," replied Ranma while wringing out the hem of her dress as much as she could while remaining decent.

"Are you mocking me?"

"No?" Their eyes met, Ranma noting he had decent presence for a twelve year old.

"Naruto, why are you wearing a dress?" chimed in Sakura. Stepping forward Sakura hesitantly touched its edge, only to draw back her hand as if struck by a viper. "How are you...?" Sakura briefly touched Ranma's hair until Ranma stepped away, foot perilously close the edge of the dock. "Henges aren't supposed to be solid, and you've been holding it for so long..."

Their eyes were like drills, probing for a weakness. Ranma felt a weight settle over her as she realized the facade was crumbling. Just when she was starting to feel alive again rather than a puppet brought back from the dead here it was, the betrayal of friends and the beginning of an endless series of fights from people trying to bend her to their will. '_Enough. Even living alone is better than this.'_ Ranma relaxed from her defensive posture. "Tsunami, the noodles are probably done by now, you should go check on them."

"Oh, yes, you're right." Tsunami hesitated a moment but Ranma nodded to her, telling her she would be okay.

The moment Tsunami was out of hearing range Sasuke spoke with ironclad certainty. "You're not Naruto."

"No," whispered Ranma as she tilted backwards, "I suppose I'm not." A kunai flashed towards her but the sudden thrust of her legs shot her like a rocket over the water. So close did she fly to the waves that a wake formed from her passage until finally she was swallowed into night-blackened waters.

In a small, lost voice, Sakura asked the question on all their minds. "So if she's not Naruto, then who is she, and where is Naruto?"

Kakashi just grit his teeth as he and Sasuke stared into the oncoming storm.

* * *

End ~

Strange... it seems like all my serious stories end in comedy and my comedy stories in tragedy... Well, we'll see where this one goes. It never broke the fourth wall so it automatically can't be the worst cerberus plot I've ever seen (tvtropes).

P.S. No, Ranma will not become a hermit.

P.P.S. I think I actually came up with a plot beyond the next 4 chapters about 30 seconds ago... this could potentially go on forever.

P.P.P.S. Why am I not working on Nanowrimo?


	9. Chapter 9

The water was not as dark as she had feared. Little pinpricks of blue photo-luminescent plankton sparked into being all around her. It was as if all the stars in the sky had chosen to migrate to the sea on this stormy night. With a tinge of regret, Ranma pushed herself to keep moving. Though the plankton and other aquatic life helped mask her ki that didn't mean she was safe yet. Lazy the one-eyed ninja might be, but Ranma was willing to bet he would be no slouch in a fight. And while his ki or chakra or whatever they called it here was imperceptible to her still maturing ki-sense there was still a lingering touch of killing intent aimed between her shoulder blades. She wondered if Genma would call her cheeky for using it as a compass to navigate away from the dock in the darkness. Well, anything goes.

Wary of a shuriken to the back of the head, Ranma stayed well below the surface, marveling at how long she was holding her breath. It had been years since her father had taught her any under water fighting techniques or tested her endurance in this manner so to see her progress was empowering despite the circumstances. Torquing her body, she let her enthusiasm carry her deeper into the roiling sea. The glow of the plankton faded as she descended, but still she kept swimming downwards. The current and noise of splashing waves faded away until only the sound of her own dolphin kick remained. '_Am I already past the island shelf?' _Spinning her feet faster, the bottom remained frustratingly out of reach.

A soft shimmer of light appeared in the distance. '_Did I get turned around?_' No, she was certain she the pressure was still increasing, even if it was hardly a feather against the oppressive atmosphere generated beneath Ryoga's Perfect Shi Shi Hokodan. Focusing her eyes the vague blur solidified as she approached into a miraculous underwater forest. Long pink and red fronds swayed over brilliant coral and bright fish all flourishing at a depth impossible in Ranma's home world. Ranma switched to a slow scissor kick as she swam parallel to the thick, textured reef. Sloping down at an almost vertical slant it possessed a wild, uninhibited architecture unimaginable in the world above.

Time was a fragile concept under the ocean, moving slowly even as time raced by on land. As the sea life only increased in size and complexity the further she swam, Ranma began to wonder if it would ever end at all, or if this miraculous display of life covered the bottom of the sea throughout the world. That's when she noticed it. It wasn't an ending, but it was a gap. A black cave utterly devoid of color and massive in its size. Swimming closer to peer inside, Ranma was intrigued to find a slight current tugging her towards the entrance, growing in intensity as she came closer. Her loose hair, previously streaming behind her, began to sway around her face, tugged by the relentless current. '_A tunnel then, not a cave.'_ Try as she might to claim that she was nothing like her father, the decade she had spent traveling with him had left a mark. Yawning maw of the abyss didn't equal 'bad, stay away', but instead 'Treasure, hi ho!' Still, her time in Nerima had given her at least a few survival instincts. Thus it was that the danger came to her instead. '_… is that a giant octopus?'_

* * *

A deep, thunderous boom assaulted Ranma's ears, driving her into some semblance of consciousness. '_W-where am I?' _She felt oddly light, but recoiled as she scuffed against sand before lifting back into the air. A soft susurrus of shifting sand played around her like a lullaby. Ranma almost let it carry her away but for the persistent irritation of her skin. Eyebrows shifting downwards in confusion, Ranma finally realized that it was not the sky of some tortured dreamscape she was looking at, but the choppy, gray-glass surface of the ocean several yards above where she drifted in the current. Her head ached worse than a sucker punch from Ryoga. '_Oxygen deprivation?' _While not entirely sure what the words meant in her present condition, she still understood the gist. Hesitantly she began to swim upwards with heavy, lethargic limbs.

A brown oval came into sight at the edge of her vision, surrounded by a legion of bubbles. '_A boat?' _Her mouth moved along with her thoughts but only a few errant bubbles trickled out. Feeling desperate to take a breath now but still aware enough to be wary of attracting attention from the boat or taking in a mouthful of water she slowly eased her head from the waves. Ranma was thankful the roar of the storm was so much louder above the surface as she broke into a wave of uncontrollable coughing. Her neck and throat burned as she forced up the sea water, not taking a true breath of air until half a minute later. Ranma felt her head clearing, limbs regaining strength as air coursed through her lungs. Letting one hand massage her temples she started to navigate through the waves, searching for the boat or some sign of the shoreline. Her dress, sporting a tear up one side she couldn't recall getting, impeded her little. Cresting a wave Ranma caught sight of something quite surprising.

"Tsu? Tsunami!" Kicking herself out of the water Ranma practically skipped over the waves, never falling deeper than the middle of her calves in her wild race towards the boat. The two sketchy-looking men barely had time to draw their swords before she was on them. While faster than civilians they were nothing compared to her skill. Not even bothering to knock them out as she danced across the deck of the boat she took advantage of their atrocious balance on the stormy sea to knock them both screaming overboard. They were carried off in moments, allowing Ranma to shift her attention to the wide-eyed Tsunami tied up and gagged below her.

"Err, hi. You may have heard some bad things about me last night but-," Ranma was interrupted by a muffled shout through the gag. "Right, I should probably untie you first." She started with the ropes rather than the gag. Wet from the intense rain and sea spray it was difficult even for Ranma's nimble fingers to unravel the knot. Giving out an annoyed huff Ranma took up the rope with both hands and just tore it apart. "Sorry, I'm just used to trying to apologize to Akane. Precautions like this tend to cut down on mallet strikes... or delay them anyways." Just as Ranma removed the gag the boat chose to flip over, tossing them both into the brine.

End blank

I really expected to finish this chapter like two days ago. I blame elections.

If anyone's curious, seeing as I probably won't mention him again, Inari is alive. Via the butterfly effect he didn't go racing off suicidally after his kidnapped mother and is thus probably pulling a thousand-yard-stare somewhere. Probably.

Despite this being the longest chapter so far, I imagine that as I finally, at long last, chose to correct the misspellings in the teaser summary, roughly half of the new reviews will say "Needs longer chapters". The next chapter will likely be about the same size as this one, so... sorry? On the plus side, it will probably be out in roughly 48 hours.


	10. Chapter 10

Chappy diez:

Temporarily blinded by bubbles it took a moment to locate Tsunami. The woman who had already looked fragile the night before now tossed in the waves like a broken doll. Snapping herself out of her surprise, Ranma shifted into high gear, grabbing Tsunami out of the surf. "Tsunami, are you alright?" Desperately trying to check her vitals while also keep her above water Ranma choked slightly at what Akane would say if she saw this. Holding Tsunami's head and neck steady, Ranma blew a deep, forceful breath into her lungs. "!" Ranma slid her face to the side as Tsunami coughed into her shoulder.

"Tsunami are you okay?" Ranma felt the urge to shake her as she refused to wake but instead held her gently in the sloshing waves. Desperately she cast around for some sight of shore or even that too-small overturned boat but visibility through the storm was nigh nil. Dark clouds above blocked the sun, foam gathered on the sea, and between the growing fog and sheets of rain held sway like the chorus of a mad god. '_Sun? It was night only a moment ago, wasn't it?'_

A spark of chakra came through the mist, its shrill discordant cry forcing itself on her consciousness even through the tumult of the storm. Hoping that whoever had given it off was in a better spot than her she kicked off immediately, hoping to gain some distance on its source before the signal faded. She needn't have worried, as the chakra pulse grew in intensity. She was still a novice at reading the strange energy that seemed prevalent among the humans of this world but she was almost certain there was more than one chakra signature coming from in front of her.

Drawing closer, the fog was unnaturally thick. '_Artificial?'_ She'd never heard of such a technique, but she could almost taste the chakra on her tongue. Given that this was likely another world or dimension or at the very least a different time period she supposed it was perhaps not so extraordinary that someone should exhibit an unknown technique. She could feel the pulses growing in intensity, even masked as they were by the strange fog. '_Are they fighting each other, or fighting the storm?' _Ranma looked apprehensively over her still unconscious charge, worried she was bringing her into a war zone. Unfortunately there was little choice. While Ranma could generate cold quite easily with her ki, generating heat had never much agreed with her. Even carrying a passenger, Ranma was sure she could keep swimming for days, but there was no guarantee Tsunami would last anywhere near that long.

No longer surfing along with the waves she began to pull back, only allowing herself to move forward a foot at a time. Her nerve broke, and disregarding any potential of being thrown permanently off course should they suddenly cease emitting large amounts of chakra she began to sidle to the left. Circling them, for she was certain now there was at least two people involved, she was surprised to run not into sand or barnacle-encrusted rock but instead cut stone blocks. '_The bridge?' _Something had happened to it, perhaps the same thing that had caused such a large thump before as she lay sleeping. Whatever it had been, it was enough to throw near every stone out of alignment. Holding Tsunami in one arm, head nestled in the crook of her shoulder, she began to make cautious progress up the column. The stones were slick with rain and spray, and this close to potential combatants she was wary of using any more ki than absolutely necessary.

Slipping over the railing like a thief Ranma deposited her charge onto a pile of half melted gray slurry. With luck clay-like substance would keep her insulated until she returned. "I'll be back as soon as I can," whispered Ranma. No matter how she tried to ignore it, there was a sinking feeling inside her. A novice she might be at reading chakra patterns, but she was almost certain that there was something familiar in the pulses coming from nearby, and that there was perhaps an undercurrent of fear.

One chakra signature suddenly ceased and without even considering for a moment Ranma had already leapt towards the action – into thin air. Invisible due to the mist the bridge came to an end only a few steps from where she had laid Tsunami. Tumbling downwards she was about to prepare to land back in the water when she impacted something hard – and cold. '_Ice?'_ Even odder than having ice in a moderate climate was the fact that it appeared to be floating in mid air. One sideways roll and slip later and she was back to falling.

Ranma gasped slightly as all the fog vanished, seemingly contained in a dome just outside a set of floating ice mirrors. An explosion of killing intent flooded her from all sides and in a blast of motion her hands sprang out repeatedly to deflect projectiles. Dropping down onto a narrow ledge of fallen rocks she was only half surprised to see it was populated by very familiar faces. "Idiots," said Ranma as she spat out a shuriken caught in her teeth, "I'm here to help you." And if Sakura's bleeding cheek and senbon-disabled left arm were any indication, they needed it.

Looking out into the shadows of the mist Ranma noticed something else. "Hey, aren't those the two puddle monsters from before?"

~Omake~ Ranma ½ Evangelion crossover

Genma Saotome hadn't been entirely sold on the whole reincarnation business at first, but nowadays he had to admit life was good. Sure, he had to put up with the occasional rampant Angel trying to destroy mankind, and one of these days he'd probably have to toss in a bit of his own expertise to aid the fight against them, but in the meantime... Beer. Lots and lots of beer, constantly repopulated by the quite lovely Misato. Sure, he had to play along with the rather undignified name of Pen-Pen, but all in all... it sure was good to be a penguin.

Challenge fic – Ryoga as Pen-Pen, tosses off a shi shi hokodan and gets classified as a rampaging, teleporting Angel. Msg me if you decide to write it.

End Chapter 10.

Happy 10,000 words everyone. Second fic I've written on this site to reach this far. Now the question is... who dies in this fight, and who loses a limb/eye?

Special thanks to Slimecat for keeping me from dropping this fic.


	11. Chapter 11

The killing intent was almost stifling. Ranma wasn't exactly unaccustomed to it, but several of these auras had hardened edges to them well beyond almost anything she had felt in her old world. A masked face glinted off one of the many floating mirrors inexplicably sporting a slim-bodied young male in a mask. "That one's new." Turning quickly she saw him disappear back into the mist, massive sword in hand.

"That's the Demon of the Mist, Zabuza," said Sasuke. Catching the eyes of all assembled, Ranma cringed, shaking briefly as if in the wind that howled outside the dome of ice and chakra-infused mist.

"You've heard of me, little girl?" called Zabuza dark fog, voice coming from everywhere and nowhere. "I kill anyone you know?"

"Stop talking," whispered Ranma. "I'm tired, cold, and hungry, and if you value your lives you should leave now before anyone says that word again."

"Naruto?" Sakura remembered even as she spoke that this wasn't really Naruto, that this red-haired woman could be a missing-nin as bad as Zabuza, but as she stared into that rain-swept face she couldn't help but see a good-natured fighter that was on the verge of being pushed a step too far.

"Call me Ranma," she said, slowly stretching herself back to her full, albeit modest height. "It was my name once, and I hope one day it's mine again." A sudden water whip struck like a viper at the back of her skull but she dodged it contemptuously.

"Ranma," said Kakashi, seeming to taste the name more than speak it, "do you know water walking?" Upon seeing Ranma's confused expression he gave a theatrical sigh. "I hope your teammate's opinion of you is not misplaced. Guard them while I'm gone." Using the body flicker technique to break the perimeter Ranma was surprised to note that in that rush of barely controlled movement his feet blurred even to Ranma's eyes as they struck against the water as if it was made of stone.

Then the chaos started, and there was no more time for banter. The mist had begun to clear as Zabuza began to lose his grip on it against the storm, but the area inside the dome grew no lighter. Ranma caught one brief glimpse of Kakashi fending off Zabuza's greatsword with a pair of kunai before she was forced to devote her full attention to the onslaught of the three assassins. Ranma was beginning to think this fight would be harder than she expected. The boy (girl?) jumping between the mirrors was fast enough, but within bounds for her female form to deal with, the slight flicker of chakra in the ice senbons allowing her to sense them even in the poor light, but protecting herself and protecting Tazuna and her fellow genin was another thing entirely. Simply evading was out of the question, and in order to deflect or catch them all she was forced to maneuver around the small, crowded platform of the broken bridge. '_I wish I had my bracers... or a bo staff... or maybe a shield.'_ At this point she wouldn't say no to Ryoga's umbrella. Complicating the situation further was the two bozos taking potshots from underwater. Any stolen senbon she threw at them had their force dissipated by the water, but with their breathing masks and the use of some sort of water whip and shark-shaped water construct they were perfectly capable of attacking back without ever lifting their heads into striking range. A small moko takabisha was enough to at least temporarily disrupt their attacks but the pair of them were keeping up an admirable barrage.

"Any plans, Sasuke?" No answer was forthcoming, other than a grunt. Ranma was starting to wonder if perhaps it wouldn't be such a bad thing to use _that_ technique. '_No, never again.' _Breaking out a different, significantly less forbidden technique, Ranma started firing off the occasional vacuum blade at the mirrors. She frowned as in between strikes from the assailants she saw the few scratches she'd made in the ice-mirrors heal in seconds. She could always throw more or send strikes of greater power, but so far this was proving to be a match of endurance and there was no telling whether even destroying the mirrors completely would do anything more than temporarily ease the onslaught. She could aim at the masked ninja jumping between the mirrors but he or she was moving quickly enough that to get a proper shot she'd have to leave her charges open to attack. '_I can't believe this is happening, that these minor-leaguers are beating me after everything I've faced. But what's the alternative, running away? Leaving Sasuke and Sakura and Tsunami's father to fend for themselves?' _But... there was another option. "No, I can't. I won't!" No one heard her over the sounds of battle.

Suddenly the clamor ceased, senbon and water constructs finally stopping their relentless onslaught. Ranma caught a silver object flying at her by instinct. "Kyaa!"

"Pity. Your sensei lost his footing. And where the feet go the head soon follows. Kukuku." Blood dripped from Zabuza's decapitating sword as Kakashi's head dropped from Ranma's lifeless fingers. A wave of chill swept through her body but she forced it back. Watching as Kakashi's head wobbled down the tilted bridge remnant Ranma's soft blue-gray eyes paled to icy white before melting back to normal.

"Why, why are you doing this!" Ranma shouted the words Sakura couldn't bring herself to speak, words that Sasuke had long ago crushed in his heart and replaced with rage and quiet desperation. Ranma scraped her bloodied hand against the stone in an attempt to clean the greasy feeling of death that plagued her. She didn't move a hair as as Haku's senbon of ice struck through her heart from behind. As a deathly chill ate through her veins Ranma realized she couldn't hold it back anymore. Lying flat against the rock, Ranma exhaled a final breath as she let her emotions fall away.

Zabuza began to gloat but the growing chill in the air beyond that caused by Haku's mirrors caused him to still and draw back, sword held at guard rest. He was the first to notice that the short redhead had red hair no longer.

End Chapter 11

Might actually write a chapter of Flying with the Fox next, we'll see.


	12. Chapter 12

Ranma took a step, and then another, distancing herself from her companions before such a distinction ceased to matter entirely to her. Colder and colder she grew, skin and hair and even her eyes becoming white as snow, sparkling despite the heavy clouds. Zabuza's conjured mist fell away, freezing into crystals to be blown by the wind. A water whip swung at her but froze in it's journey, so fast and so hard that it cracked and shattered, leaving only fragments to hit Ranma's icy form. Stone cracking from the force of her jump Ranma landed on the ocean above where Demon Brother hid beneath the waves. A stomp of her foot sent the iceburg that formed beneath her spearing towards the hapless chuunin, catching him in the lung. His brother leapt from the stormy brine, mask hiding the fury that burned within him. Against Ranma's perfected Soul of Ice, however, it did little to warm him. Steel-taloned gauntlet shattering from the sudden freeze, he was left wide open as Ranma's fist swung into his chest, stopping his heart.

Haku hung half out of her mirror, wide-eyed with shock as she watched the girl she had struck through the heart make mincemeat of her allies. She hadn't wanted to kill her, she didn't want to kill anyone, but the girl's skill had left her with no choice. Who could have guessed that striking her heart would release this shinigami_._ "A true ninja after all, little girl?" Haku watched in horror as Zabuza ran over the waves, weaving in towards Ranma. He hadn't seen her fight, hadn't seen the speed of her strikes as she batted a dozen darting senbon out of the air with only her hands. Ranma's previous kill hadn't been the height of her abilities, she'd barely even been trying. Seeing an ominous ball of energy form in Ranma's hand as she ducked Zabuza's giant cleaver Haku reacted without thinking, throwing herself between the combatants.

It was no use. Imprinting itself on her retina as it snaked around her the ball of not-light didn't explode, or freeze him on contact as she half expected, it devoured him. Heart in her throat she watched his body fall, half his skull carved away by the merciless technique. "Zabuzaaaa!" She felt her clothes, slick with sea spray, freeze onto her flesh. Some part of her registered that the only reason she was still alive in this bitter cold was due to her cursed ice bloodline. She turned to stare into the eyes of the white witch, cold and unfeeling as the grave. "Just kill me already, you _monster_." That was when she saw it, the teardrop falling down Ranma's cheek as her eyes melted from white back to a pale blue-gray. She slumped, as if suddenly carrying the weight of the world, and Haku briefly considered trying to kill her until she straightened once more.

"I didn't want to kill any of you..." she said, and as little as she wanted to Haku knew it was true. "Just go, please go." Feeling like a coward Haku gathered up Zabuza's body and sword before they slipped off the ice and jumped out onto the water towards the mainland. She would bury him properly, and then... she didn't know.

Wary of jumping into waters filled with the dead Ranma marshaled her strength and jumped back onto the fallen bridge where her teammates and Tazuna were watching her warily. "Your daughter is atop the bridge," she said after a moment, motioning him closer. When he finally stepped towards her she lifted him and jumped up on to the bridge, doing her best not to damage his organs from the sudden acceleration. Peering downwards she noticed that through some trick of the current the overturned boat had drifted to within twenty meters of them. An elegant dive, hindered only slightly by the size of her bust, carried her to the small wooden contraption. With a flurry of kicks she flipped it, tilting it briefly to let as much water out as she could under the circumstances.

Not inclined to leave the water she took the small iron hoop at the front of the boat in hand and towed it to the far side of the rock, away from the battle site. "Hop in."

"Where are we going?" asked Sakura.

"Home?" said Ranma, not really sure herself. She was sure she had no more desire to fight though, not here, not now, on a bridge built atop the bodies of the dead. Sasuke and Sakura hesitated for a moment, glancing at Tazuna's silhouette above them, but finally climbed aboard. Ranma shuddered as she looked back once more on the bloody scene, struggling to stay out of the seductive embrace of the Soul of Ice. Then with a heavy kick she was off, dragging the boat behind her as Sasuke maneuvered the oars to keep the boat from flipping again in the waves.

* * *

Gato was found dead on the island the next day, the assassination attributed to the Konoha shinobi, killed by a senbon through the eye.

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End Chapter 12

And no, Sasuke will not be getting his acre of land. And Inari, well, who really cares about Inari.

I'll try and work some more humor into the pre-exam Konoha period but no promises.


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